Stress

I feel like I’m about to step off a cliff of anxiety and my whole little act is going to fall down around me.  I feel like if I make one wrong move that my little life here as I know it is going to end.  I feel like I’ve dug myself into a hole and I’m not sure how to get out of it.  Maybe I’ve just had too much on my plate lately and it’s finally about to all cave in…I’m not sure anymore.

• Lori has been sick for quite some time.  Her Lupus has caused her to have to go on long term disability.  This means applying for disability through the state.  This means that our income is now at 1.5 instead of 2.  I’m always the one who worries about our finances and stresses.  There’s not really anything that I can do about it, but there it always sits at the back of my mind.
•   I just went through and we owe $8500.00 in credit card debt.  How the hell did that happen? Better yet, how in the hell am I going to get that paid down/off?
• My job has been really stressful lately.  I work in sales and there has been a lot of change in my territory lately and I”m extremely worried that I made the wrong decision and I”m going to end up getting fucked when this territory doesn’t do near as well as my old one does and therefore cuts my take home earnings.  Making our 1.5 income household only about a 1 income household.  And how am I going to pay down the $8500 in credit card debt if my income is drastically reduced.
• We are not in a situation where if I lost my job we would be able to last very long.  That is terrifying to me.  What if something happened and I lost my job tomorrow?  We would be fucked financially and that really scares the shit out of me.
• We’re planning a wedding to occur on August 27th.  There’s so much crap that has to be done before then – including getting a dress, making sure my mom and brother get their flights done, make sure the decorations are there, pay the rest of the fee for the wedding, send out invitations, etc.
• Lori’s transition to Shayne is really hard for me to handle.  Yes, as her partner I’m putting on a strong face and being supportive but it’s very difficult for me to deal with.  I don’t know how to handle being with a man.  I’m a lesbian – always have been – and if I’m with Lori as Shayne what does that make me?  Mind you, this isn’t something that is going to break us up and we are absolutely going to make it through this….it’s just much harder than I thought it was going to be.  I’ve been telling her forever to do what she needs to do to make her happy.  I never thought that it would make me anxious.  I’m worried that she is going to start taking testosterone and become a different person…
• On top of all of this, we are trying to have a baby.  How responsible is that?  How responsible is it to bring a baby into a situation that doesn’t seem very stable at the moment?  Should we be waiting until we get everything in order?  What if that takes a year and Lori is sicker and not able to handle a baby?  What if we do it now and my job starts getting worse and I hate it even more?  What if this job and all of this crap is keeping me from getting pregnant because of the stress and we are spending all this money on NOTHING?

I feel like my insides are shaking and I can’t get control of them.  I walk around in a daze because I don’t feel like I can keep anything together.  I’m finding it hard to focus on anything at all and I feel scatterbrained.  I just don’t know what to do….I don’t know how to fix everything and I feel like I have to.  I’m tired of feeling like I have to hold it all together….It’s just not fair…..why didn’t I get pregnant this time?  Why didn’t it work for me?  I want to be a part of the group of bloggers that are going through all of this together!

Sorry for all the drama, I just have a ton on my mind lately and nothing is making sense….