The road less traveled…

My partner and I were attempting to become pregnant. For many reasons – including my sanity – we have put that on the back burner for now and are just working on walking down the road less traveled. We've been through Katrina – moved to Colorado – and our next adventure is headed to California.

Lessons Learned September 16, 2013

Filed under: Family,Pain,TTC,Work - Non TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 11:27 pm
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It’s been 9 months since I posted last.  Interesting number, right?

I haven’t posted the exact amount of time it would take for me to have a baby.

For the record, I still don’t have one.  I do, however, have some interesting information…but I’ll get to that.

The last 9 months in bullets –

  • New Job – Well, really back to the old job.  I worked with WealthEngine for about a year and this month moved back over to OTJ.  I’ve been chatting with them off and on during my leave, and they met the criteria that I gave them for me to come back so I am.  I really love it here.  It’s a great company and I’m very relaxed and secure.
  • Moved to Mississippi.  Not quite sure why we chose MS now that we are actually here.  We left one of the most liberal states in the country to come to literally the most conservative.  I’d put money on MS being the last one to make any gay marriage issues even come up in an election.  We wanted to be back closer to our family but still far enough away to not be right on top of them.  Good thing is we are 7 miles from the beach and pay about 60% of what we were paying in rent, so there are definite perks.  We’ll likely be back in Louisiana here in the near future.  Being down south is also good for Shayne’s medical issues – she’s had much less pain here so that’s good.
  • We started looking into fostering to adopt – it’s a bust – MS “doesn’t care if you are gay”, but you cannot have an “unrelated adult” living in the home.  Since MS won’t let us get married, we can’t have foster children in our home or adopt through DHS – well, we can, but can’t live together during the process.  Whatever
  • My sister graduated college and actually got a job in her field of study – how do you like that!?!  Call me one proud sister!
  • My little brother and his fiance bought a little house.  I love that they are doing so well.
  • We traveled a bit – mostly road trips.
  • My best friend that I have known for 12 years who had a miscarriage earlier is pregnant.  Very Pregnant.  My best friend that I met in Colorado is also pregnant.

As for me?  Well, I still sometimes end up in the fetal position on the floor of my office on random days because the pain of it all is just too much to bear.  I still find myself falling into tears when commercials come on TV or when all the cute little summer clothes in the Dollar General store are on sale.  I still ache for a sweet small baby to be cuddled up against my chest and the smell of her hair as I rock her to sleep – but I no longer found myself able to see the light and find the ability to believe that it would ever happen for me.  I tried – I tried so hard to walk away from it all.  I tried to just accept the fact that it was not “meant to be”.  I winced when people said that it would happen when the time was right because I felt like that meant I had done something to keep the time from being right for me.  Something I did or didn’t do kept me from becoming pregnant, stopped the IVF coverage, broke my heart every time an adoption counselor basically told me that they were rejecting me.

But something happened – just yesterday – that gave me a tiny spark.  A tiny spark that just might turn into hope coming back into the picture.  I’m almost afraid to say it because I’ve had this spark before and had it stomped out before it ever grew into hope.  I’ve had this spark before and had it stomped out AFTER it had become hope.

Right now it’s just a spark.

But a family member of mine told me yesterday that she has been thinking about us for a while and she wants to surrogate for us.  I called a lawyer today and spoke with a few people and it seems as though it’s legally not going to be a huge deal since surrogacy is technically against public policy in LA (though not illegal) and therefore a surrogacy contract is really not required since they are unenforceable anyway.  I can’t afford to do IVF, so it would be the family member’s eggs.  Since she is a close family member, it would be an inter-familial  adoption (which is easier through the court system).

So our next few weeks is going to be talking about a lot of things, figuring out living situations, and deciding exactly how to go through this process.  Of course nothing is ever a for sure situation, but it feels much closer than it has been in a while.

 

Stress May 16, 2011

Filed under: Family,Hurt,Pain — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 11:08 pm

I feel like I’m about to step off a cliff of anxiety and my whole little act is going to fall down around me.  I feel like if I make one wrong move that my little life here as I know it is going to end.  I feel like I’ve dug myself into a hole and I’m not sure how to get out of it.  Maybe I’ve just had too much on my plate lately and it’s finally about to all cave in…I’m not sure anymore.

  • Lori has been sick for quite some time.  Her Lupus has caused her to have to go on long term disability.  This means applying for disability through the state.  This means that our income is now at 1.5 instead of 2.  I’m always the one who worries about our finances and stresses.  There’s not really anything that I can do about it, but there it always sits at the back of my mind.
  •   I just went through and we owe $8500.00 in credit card debt.  How the hell did that happen? Better yet, how in the hell am I going to get that paid down/off?
  • My job has been really stressful lately.  I work in sales and there has been a lot of change in my territory lately and I”m extremely worried that I made the wrong decision and I”m going to end up getting fucked when this territory doesn’t do near as well as my old one does and therefore cuts my take home earnings.  Making our 1.5 income household only about a 1 income household.  And how am I going to pay down the $8500 in credit card debt if my income is drastically reduced.
  • We are not in a situation where if I lost my job we would be able to last very long.  That is terrifying to me.  What if something happened and I lost my job tomorrow?  We would be fucked financially and that really scares the shit out of me.
  • We’re planning a wedding to occur on August 27th.  There’s so much crap that has to be done before then – including getting a dress, making sure my mom and brother get their flights done, make sure the decorations are there, pay the rest of the fee for the wedding, send out invitations, etc.
  • Lori’s transition to Shayne is really hard for me to handle.  Yes, as her partner I’m putting on a strong face and being supportive but it’s very difficult for me to deal with.  I don’t know how to handle being with a man.  I’m a lesbian – always have been – and if I’m with Lori as Shayne what does that make me?  Mind you, this isn’t something that is going to break us up and we are absolutely going to make it through this….it’s just much harder than I thought it was going to be.  I’ve been telling her forever to do what she needs to do to make her happy.  I never thought that it would make me anxious.  I’m worried that she is going to start taking testosterone and become a different person…
  • On top of all of this, we are trying to have a baby.  How responsible is that?  How responsible is it to bring a baby into a situation that doesn’t seem very stable at the moment?  Should we be waiting until we get everything in order?  What if that takes a year and Lori is sicker and not able to handle a baby?  What if we do it now and my job starts getting worse and I hate it even more?  What if this job and all of this crap is keeping me from getting pregnant because of the stress and we are spending all this money on NOTHING?

I feel like my insides are shaking and I can’t get control of them.  I walk around in a daze because I don’t feel like I can keep anything together.  I’m finding it hard to focus on anything at all and I feel scatterbrained.  I just don’t know what to do….I don’t know how to fix everything and I feel like I have to.  I’m tired of feeling like I have to hold it all together….It’s just not fair…..why didn’t I get pregnant this time?  Why didn’t it work for me?  I want to be a part of the group of bloggers that are going through all of this together!

Sorry for all the drama, I just have a ton on my mind lately and nothing is making sense….

 

Day 5- Your siblings March 12, 2011

Filed under: 30 Day Challenge,Family — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 4:54 pm

I’m the oldest of 3 children. I have a brother and a sister both of whom I love dearly. My sister is 24 and is doing fairly well for herself. Her dream is to become a photographer, and she’s very good at it. She is actually moving up here at the end of april. She really wants to go to the art institute but it’s extremely expensive. So the plan is to live here for a year and find another college to get a photography degree.

My little brother is not as focused as my little sister is. He doesn’t really seem to know what he wants to do with his life. Currently he is unemployed and living with his girlfriend’s family. He turns 21 this year so hopefully at some point he figures it out. He and his girlfriend have been together for 5 years so I’m just waiting for the announcement that they are getting married. I’m sure that it’s coming soon.

 

Sorry for my lack of posting.. February 26, 2011

Filed under: Doctor,Family,Pain — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 10:48 am
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First I want to thank all of you who commented on my last couple of posts.  It’s very healing to read that there are other people who really care about how you are doing.  Especially in this situation because not many of our real life friends even know what’s going on with Lori so, while I do have my besties (you know who are are) it’s nice to be able to vent here as well.

Secondly, I want to apologize for my lack of comments on your blogs lately.  I finally got caught up reading them all, but I have yet to sit down and congratulate or commiserate with anyone.  I’m so far behind that you should consider this a blanket I’m sorry or Congratulations where it is due!  Trust me, I’m reading and I feel real joy or sorrow when I read your postings.

We’re still pretty much in the same place we were in the last time I posted.  The doc did say that if all goes well we’ll have a family session on Monday and she may be able to come home then.  Right now I’m just trying to keep myself busy around the house (it’s amazing how quickly it becomes a mess just by not doing your nightly pick up) so that I can keep my own sanity.

Anyway, back to the spot bot and my new vacuum – Thanks Ladies – you really mean so much

 

This has been a hell of a week… January 21, 2011

Filed under: Doctor,Family,TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 11:49 am

Wow, where do I even begin.

We were off on Monday, so we went out to the National Western Stock Show, which was a ton of fun.  We watched the Super Dogs show and ate way too much carnival food.  Lori wasn’t feeling well – she gets dehydrated easily so we assumed that she was just dehydrated again.  After the stock show, she headed up to the ER to get some fluids (this is a regular occurrence with her health issues).

I don’t think I’ve gotten into her health issues before, but this last year has been pretty rough.  She had blood clots last year (2 in one leg, 3 in the other, one in her lungs, one in her kidney, and one in her thoracic aorta).  She had surgery and there was a point there when she was on a ventilator and we didn’t think she was actually going to make it out alive, much less with her leg. She’s had so much pain in the last year from the surgery to remove the clots, and it was just getting better.

Anyway, when she got to the ER, they did an MRI and found a blood clot in her leg.  They put her immediately in ICU on blood thinners.  She had a procedure done where the put a catheter down her leg to take pictures of the clot.  They put in a drip of clot busting medicine to remove the clot and we had to wait till the next day to see if it worked.  In the meantime, they keep throwing around the “A” word (amputation).  The next day we go in, and its working – but very slowly – so we just had to repeat the process.  Yesterday the clot was almost completely dissolved and they moved her from ICU to a regular room.  The circulation is coming back and she’s doing much better….thank God for miracles!!

On the TTC front, today is CD 8 and my first non-smiley.

 

 

Time to answer another question: December 20, 2010

Filed under: Family — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 1:36 pm
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Another one from Isa over at small obsessions.

3. What was the best vacation you have ever been on?

This one is not easy to answer.  Lori and I have been able to take quite a few trips in our relationship, so I think I’m going to put down a few vacations.

Biloxi, MS

For our 1 year anniversary, we drove from New Orleans where we were living to Biloxi Mississippi.  We spent the weekend there just hanging out on the beach and enjoying each others company.  This trip was not extravagant at all – we stayed in a Super 8 Motel and had to borrow my Mom’s car because we had no reliable transportation – but it was very special.  Keep reading and you will see why…

We drove all the way there after work on a Thursday afternoon.  The drive was actually great – we talked and laughed the whole time.  We only stopped once at Waffle House to eat dinner (I LOVE WAFFLE HOUSE).  I have the weirdest sneeze EVER and I sneezed in the restaurant – one of the patrons laughed so hard at me he almost put his milk through his nose.  Lori never let me live it down.

Finally we got to the hotel and I was just ready to hit the sack.  Lori kept insisting that we go to the beach.  I was so exhausted, but finally relented.  WE went down to the beach in front of the pirate ship casino and walked out onto the sand.

The moon was full, the water was perfect, the weather was great…  We were walking along the water and Lori handed me a little bag.  Inside was the cutest little figurine – it had a heart and 2 little people on it; one giving a rose to the other.  I then opened the card and inside she had written her vows.  As I’m beginning to cry, she gets down on one knee and opens a box with the most beautiful diamond solitaire and asks me if I’ll spend the rest of my life with her.  Of course, after catching my breath, I said YES!

1 week after this trip is when Katrina hit New Orleans and changed our lives forever – completely demolished the site where we got engaged – but the trip was absolutely beautiful.

SanFrancisco, CA

I’m fairly certain that my next favorite trip that we took was the weekend in San Francisco.  It was really a last minute thing – we decided on Monday that we were going to leave on Thursday to make the weekend in California.  We didn’t have much time, but had an absolute blast!

I think this is good for now – I’ll do a couple more tomorrow!

 

The BEST Christmas Gift (Second only to a BFP)! December 17, 2010

Filed under: Family,Hurt,TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 11:25 am
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I got a call last night from my mom.  It was about 9 pm my time, which is REALLY late for her.  She told me that she had sent our Christmas gifts and got the confirmation that they were delivered and didn’t want it left outside.  I checked the front door and there was nothing there.  I went back inside and she said that they had left it in front of the garage.  I let her know that when I got home from work there was nothing there, so she told me they had JUST delivered it.

Now, it’s VERY strange for FedEx to leave anything in front of the garage and it’s EVEN STRANGER for them to do it at 9 pm….but OK.

I went out into the garage and opened the door…..there stands my mom with a huge red bow on top of her head!

I was JUST COMPLAINING that I missed my family and was really sad that I wasn’t going to be able to be with them for Christmas this year.  I have no idea how she kept something this big a secret, but she was able to get a plane ticket and have them shuttle her to my house without Lori or I having A SINGLE CLUE that she was coming.  She’s going to be here for a whole two weeks!  I’m so excited that it won’t just be Lori and I here on Christmas day!

I also found out some news that was not so fun – apparently my little cousin is pregnant – the one that ran off with the 56 year old drug dealer.  Apparently she’s pregnant by him now.  Yay for more family drama!    I find it quite upsetting that she, at 19, got pregnant by a man with 56 year old swimmers by accident when Lori and I have been trying with PERFECT timing and PERFECT swimmers for 4 months now and have NOTHING!!

Anyway, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO US and our fabulous Christmas Gift!

 

TGIF!! December 10, 2010

Filed under: Family — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 7:51 am
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Oh how I love Fridays!!  Just have to make it through a few more hours and I’m FREE for the weekend! I’m even more excited this week because tomorrow is our 2nd Annual Cajun Christmas Celebration! So far there are about 15 people confirmed to be there, and I’m sure some who were invited who didn’t respond to our little event page on FB. I love having everyone over to our house, however I have a TON of stuff that I need to do before tomorrow afternoon

  • put the bedroom door back on its hinges – we had to remove it when we bought our new bed
  • steam clean the carpet (yay for having dogs!)
  • clean out the garage for the smokers
  • wrap our white elephant gifts
    • I’ll have pictures of them after the party!
  • cook a TON of food
    • Cajun Ham, Red Beans and Rice, Gumbo, Jambalaya
  • bring in our tables and set up the spread
  • hopefully have our Landlord come out to fix/replace our dryer that isn’t working – I’m down to the last of my good clothes and moving on to the ones that are in the back of my closet because I HATE them.
  • final touches for decorations
  • dress the pups in their little Christmas outfits!
  • have time to take a shower and get dressed???

I have NO IDEA how all of that is going to get done. ESPECIALLY when Lori’s FOOT IS BROKEN! Yes, you read that right.  She ran over her foot with her scooter and fractured it in 2 places.  There’s also a deep tissue contusion.  She’s got to wear a big boot now for the next 3-4 weeks.  I’m at least thankful that it will be off for Florida (would suck to be on the beach wearing a huge medical boot!).  This is the 4th time in 5 years that she’s broken her foot somehow.  She’s done everything from slip on ice to dropping a gallon of milk on them.

Anyway – time to get to work.

 

 

Thanksgiving Holiday November 29, 2010

Filed under: Family — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 3:30 pm
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The past few days have been not so fun.  While I did enjoy hanging out with my wife, the majority of the time was spent in the bed or the bathroom sick.  It hit me Wednesday night, and I didn’t get hardly any sleep.  Thursday I slept, all day long.  Friday was spent getting over the tail end of it.  Then, Friday night, it hit poor Lori.  She slept all day Saturday and spent Sunday attempting to get over the last bit of it.

          That being said, we did get our Christmas decorations up in the house.  We host a Cajun Christmas Celebration each year at our house, so the inside is nice and “Louisiana” right now – it’s fantastic.  Our tree has alligators and crawfish and I’ve already made the menu for the party: Red Beans and Rice, Jambalaya, Chicken and Sausage Gumbo, and a Cajun Ham.  We’ll have a white elephant gift exchange and probably end up playing Just Dance (maybe even Just Dance 2 if I can talk my lovely wife into getting it for me) until WAY too late.  Since my TTC plans are currently on hold, I just might get sloshed.  The plan is to throw myself into the holiday, enjoy my friends, laugh until I cry, and forget that I miss my family more than words can describe and I’d give anything in the world to have them with me now…

 

Holidays November 24, 2010

Filed under: Family — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 12:12 pm
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I used to love the holidays.  Thanksgiving through the end of the year was my absolute favorite time of the year.  I couldn’t wait to spend these days with my huge family, all in one place, all enjoying each others company.  Great food.  Great conversation.  Laughs.

Now, this time of year is just not the same.  My grandfather passed away in October of 2004 of a lung disease caused by working for years and years in heavy sawdust environments.  He was the glue that held my family together and the only real father figure I ever had.  He was the rock that everyone could count on.  When he passed away, it’s like our whole family began to crumble.  I’ve gone into issues that I have with my family in the past and I can say with almost 100% certainty that NONE OF IT would be going on if he was still around.  He simply wouldn’t have stood for it.

I enjoy the time off and I completely love being able to hand around the house in my PJs with my lovely wife, but I can’t help but think back to when I would sit in the La-Z-Boy with my grandpa and listen to him tell stories of how he grew up and the travels/adventures that he experienced.  I can’t help but think of the time spent at their house helping my grandmother to put up all of her handmade ornaments and decorations.  I can’t help but think of sitting on the living room floor watching my grandpa play the harmonica and my uncles play the guitar and sing old country, bluegrass, and gospel songs.  Back when life was so much simpler and I had everything I could ever want.  Back when I thought that he would be here forever…

That being said – I love you PawPaw.  I hold you in my heart all the time.  I miss your bright smile and your gentle ways and I’m sad that my future child will not have the privilege of knowing you.  Some day we’ll have a jam session together again.  Can’t wait to hear you play in that heavenly choir!

 

 
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