The road less traveled…

My partner and I were attempting to become pregnant. For many reasons – including my sanity – we have put that on the back burner for now and are just working on walking down the road less traveled. We've been through Katrina – moved to Colorado – and our next adventure is headed to California.

Thankful November 28, 2013

Filed under: TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 7:40 am
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I am thankful.

I know sometimes it doesn’t SEEM like it with all the negativity that has come across my keyboard – something that I never expected this little blog to become BTW.

I’m thankful for my wife and for the relationship that we have.  We’ve been through so much, she and I, and it’s a wonder that we’ve made it through.  From major medical scares to cross country  moves and infertility issues – they all seem to make us stronger.  I wish that sometimes our life was different and we didn’t have to deal with these trials, but if I have to go through them I’m so very thankful that she’s the one right next to me the entire way.  I’m not sure where I’d be without her.

I’m thankful for my family.  Even though we drive each other nuts and I don’t agree with everything they do, no matter what if I need them they are there for me.  I’ll always have a roof over my head and food to eat – even if I cannot provide that for myself.  I’m thankful for the way that they have opened up their homes, hearts, and minds to accept Shayne as just another member of the family.  And how they go out of their way to make sure she feels included and loved.

I’m thankful that I have a great job.  A job that allows me to not only make the money I need to pay our way, but a job that I truly love and allows me to work from home.

I’m thankful for my puppies – but mostly my Toby.  He’s so in tune with my feelings and knows just the right time to come have a cuddle day with me.    He’s the best hugger/kisser ever and has wiped my tears away more times than I can count in his little lifetime.

I’m thankful for this blog – and I’m thankful for the other blogs that I follow.  I’m thankful to know that there is such a huge support system out there in the virtual world for people who need to talk to someone who just understand – even if it’s not a complete dialog.  Knowing that I’m not alone (even when I feel alone) is a great thing.

I’m thankful that I have the opportunity and the ability to look at other avenues for children.  I know that miracles don’t happen for everyone, but I also know that it’s not the end of the journey.  It’s simply time to get on another mode of transportation.

I am thankful, truly.  And Highly Blessed



Lessons Learned September 16, 2013

Filed under: Family,Pain,TTC,Work - Non TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 11:27 pm
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It’s been 9 months since I posted last.  Interesting number, right?

I haven’t posted the exact amount of time it would take for me to have a baby.

For the record, I still don’t have one.  I do, however, have some interesting information…but I’ll get to that.

The last 9 months in bullets –

  • New Job – Well, really back to the old job.  I worked with WealthEngine for about a year and this month moved back over to OTJ.  I’ve been chatting with them off and on during my leave, and they met the criteria that I gave them for me to come back so I am.  I really love it here.  It’s a great company and I’m very relaxed and secure.
  • Moved to Mississippi.  Not quite sure why we chose MS now that we are actually here.  We left one of the most liberal states in the country to come to literally the most conservative.  I’d put money on MS being the last one to make any gay marriage issues even come up in an election.  We wanted to be back closer to our family but still far enough away to not be right on top of them.  Good thing is we are 7 miles from the beach and pay about 60% of what we were paying in rent, so there are definite perks.  We’ll likely be back in Louisiana here in the near future.  Being down south is also good for Shayne’s medical issues – she’s had much less pain here so that’s good.
  • We started looking into fostering to adopt – it’s a bust – MS “doesn’t care if you are gay”, but you cannot have an “unrelated adult” living in the home.  Since MS won’t let us get married, we can’t have foster children in our home or adopt through DHS – well, we can, but can’t live together during the process.  Whatever
  • My sister graduated college and actually got a job in her field of study – how do you like that!?!  Call me one proud sister!
  • My little brother and his fiance bought a little house.  I love that they are doing so well.
  • We traveled a bit – mostly road trips.
  • My best friend that I have known for 12 years who had a miscarriage earlier is pregnant.  Very Pregnant.  My best friend that I met in Colorado is also pregnant.

As for me?  Well, I still sometimes end up in the fetal position on the floor of my office on random days because the pain of it all is just too much to bear.  I still find myself falling into tears when commercials come on TV or when all the cute little summer clothes in the Dollar General store are on sale.  I still ache for a sweet small baby to be cuddled up against my chest and the smell of her hair as I rock her to sleep – but I no longer found myself able to see the light and find the ability to believe that it would ever happen for me.  I tried – I tried so hard to walk away from it all.  I tried to just accept the fact that it was not “meant to be”.  I winced when people said that it would happen when the time was right because I felt like that meant I had done something to keep the time from being right for me.  Something I did or didn’t do kept me from becoming pregnant, stopped the IVF coverage, broke my heart every time an adoption counselor basically told me that they were rejecting me.

But something happened – just yesterday – that gave me a tiny spark.  A tiny spark that just might turn into hope coming back into the picture.  I’m almost afraid to say it because I’ve had this spark before and had it stomped out before it ever grew into hope.  I’ve had this spark before and had it stomped out AFTER it had become hope.

Right now it’s just a spark.

But a family member of mine told me yesterday that she has been thinking about us for a while and she wants to surrogate for us.  I called a lawyer today and spoke with a few people and it seems as though it’s legally not going to be a huge deal since surrogacy is technically against public policy in LA (though not illegal) and therefore a surrogacy contract is really not required since they are unenforceable anyway.  I can’t afford to do IVF, so it would be the family member’s eggs.  Since she is a close family member, it would be an inter-familial  adoption (which is easier through the court system).

So our next few weeks is going to be talking about a lot of things, figuring out living situations, and deciding exactly how to go through this process.  Of course nothing is ever a for sure situation, but it feels much closer than it has been in a while.


Update on my Dilemma January 25, 2011

Filed under: TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 3:45 pm
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I’m going to go. I’ve asked one of my really good friends to come with me for moral support (BTW, doesn’t matter how good of a friend you are with someone, that is an AWKWARD conversation :)).

I have to call at 10 AM and the appointment is 10:40 AM. I’m so nervous! I’m the type that’s nervous about anything going on in that area, so this is going to be interesting. Lori is sad that she can’t come, but says that it’s just our luck that it will work the time she isn’t there – so sounds like a good plan to me!

Isa, I’d do it in the hospital with no qualms, but this one is doctor assisted so I have to go to the office. Probably TMI, but I’m ready to jump her bones in the hospital bed already 🙂


Update January 24, 2011

Filed under: TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 4:31 pm
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Lori is doing much better – she has a staph infection (yay) and is getting treatment for that and nerve damage pain in her back caused by the blood clots. Sounds like so far we have no new major hurdles and will be able to get home as soon as the medicine for the staph infection gets to doing it’s job!

TTC – CD 11 – no smiley


CD12 December 29, 2010

Filed under: TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 1:30 pm
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and I POAS today for the first time and did not get a smiley. I REALLY NEED to get the smiley tomorrow or Friday so that we can do our insemination before we leave for Florida!

Speaking of Florida, that is right around the corner and I have SO MUCH stuff to do!

  • Clean the house (the after the holiday disaster)
  • Confirm the dog sitter
  • Buy extended feeders for the Fish
  • Pack for a 3 day work conference and 4 day vacation
  • Pack for Lori – because I’m SO the packer in our little family
  • Set all of my out of office stuff for work
  • INSEMINATION!! (fingers crossed…)

The holidays were great. I really enjoyed having my mom here to visit for them, but of course hated to see her go.


Time to answer another question: December 20, 2010

Filed under: Family — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 1:36 pm
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Another one from Isa over at small obsessions.

3. What was the best vacation you have ever been on?

This one is not easy to answer.  Lori and I have been able to take quite a few trips in our relationship, so I think I’m going to put down a few vacations.

Biloxi, MS

For our 1 year anniversary, we drove from New Orleans where we were living to Biloxi Mississippi.  We spent the weekend there just hanging out on the beach and enjoying each others company.  This trip was not extravagant at all – we stayed in a Super 8 Motel and had to borrow my Mom’s car because we had no reliable transportation – but it was very special.  Keep reading and you will see why…

We drove all the way there after work on a Thursday afternoon.  The drive was actually great – we talked and laughed the whole time.  We only stopped once at Waffle House to eat dinner (I LOVE WAFFLE HOUSE).  I have the weirdest sneeze EVER and I sneezed in the restaurant – one of the patrons laughed so hard at me he almost put his milk through his nose.  Lori never let me live it down.

Finally we got to the hotel and I was just ready to hit the sack.  Lori kept insisting that we go to the beach.  I was so exhausted, but finally relented.  WE went down to the beach in front of the pirate ship casino and walked out onto the sand.

The moon was full, the water was perfect, the weather was great…  We were walking along the water and Lori handed me a little bag.  Inside was the cutest little figurine – it had a heart and 2 little people on it; one giving a rose to the other.  I then opened the card and inside she had written her vows.  As I’m beginning to cry, she gets down on one knee and opens a box with the most beautiful diamond solitaire and asks me if I’ll spend the rest of my life with her.  Of course, after catching my breath, I said YES!

1 week after this trip is when Katrina hit New Orleans and changed our lives forever – completely demolished the site where we got engaged – but the trip was absolutely beautiful.

SanFrancisco, CA

I’m fairly certain that my next favorite trip that we took was the weekend in San Francisco.  It was really a last minute thing – we decided on Monday that we were going to leave on Thursday to make the weekend in California.  We didn’t have much time, but had an absolute blast!

I think this is good for now – I’ll do a couple more tomorrow!


The BEST Christmas Gift (Second only to a BFP)! December 17, 2010

Filed under: Family,Hurt,TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 11:25 am
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I got a call last night from my mom.  It was about 9 pm my time, which is REALLY late for her.  She told me that she had sent our Christmas gifts and got the confirmation that they were delivered and didn’t want it left outside.  I checked the front door and there was nothing there.  I went back inside and she said that they had left it in front of the garage.  I let her know that when I got home from work there was nothing there, so she told me they had JUST delivered it.

Now, it’s VERY strange for FedEx to leave anything in front of the garage and it’s EVEN STRANGER for them to do it at 9 pm….but OK.

I went out into the garage and opened the door…..there stands my mom with a huge red bow on top of her head!

I was JUST COMPLAINING that I missed my family and was really sad that I wasn’t going to be able to be with them for Christmas this year.  I have no idea how she kept something this big a secret, but she was able to get a plane ticket and have them shuttle her to my house without Lori or I having A SINGLE CLUE that she was coming.  She’s going to be here for a whole two weeks!  I’m so excited that it won’t just be Lori and I here on Christmas day!

I also found out some news that was not so fun – apparently my little cousin is pregnant – the one that ran off with the 56 year old drug dealer.  Apparently she’s pregnant by him now.  Yay for more family drama!    I find it quite upsetting that she, at 19, got pregnant by a man with 56 year old swimmers by accident when Lori and I have been trying with PERFECT timing and PERFECT swimmers for 4 months now and have NOTHING!!

Anyway, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO US and our fabulous Christmas Gift!


Holidays November 24, 2010

Filed under: Family — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 12:12 pm
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I used to love the holidays.  Thanksgiving through the end of the year was my absolute favorite time of the year.  I couldn’t wait to spend these days with my huge family, all in one place, all enjoying each others company.  Great food.  Great conversation.  Laughs.

Now, this time of year is just not the same.  My grandfather passed away in October of 2004 of a lung disease caused by working for years and years in heavy sawdust environments.  He was the glue that held my family together and the only real father figure I ever had.  He was the rock that everyone could count on.  When he passed away, it’s like our whole family began to crumble.  I’ve gone into issues that I have with my family in the past and I can say with almost 100% certainty that NONE OF IT would be going on if he was still around.  He simply wouldn’t have stood for it.

I enjoy the time off and I completely love being able to hand around the house in my PJs with my lovely wife, but I can’t help but think back to when I would sit in the La-Z-Boy with my grandpa and listen to him tell stories of how he grew up and the travels/adventures that he experienced.  I can’t help but think of the time spent at their house helping my grandmother to put up all of her handmade ornaments and decorations.  I can’t help but think of sitting on the living room floor watching my grandpa play the harmonica and my uncles play the guitar and sing old country, bluegrass, and gospel songs.  Back when life was so much simpler and I had everything I could ever want.  Back when I thought that he would be here forever…

That being said – I love you PawPaw.  I hold you in my heart all the time.  I miss your bright smile and your gentle ways and I’m sad that my future child will not have the privilege of knowing you.  Some day we’ll have a jam session together again.  Can’t wait to hear you play in that heavenly choir!


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