The road less traveled…

My partner and I were attempting to become pregnant. For many reasons – including my sanity – we have put that on the back burner for now and are just working on walking down the road less traveled. We've been through Katrina – moved to Colorado – and our next adventure is headed to California.

Today… September 6, 2011

Filed under: Hurt,TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 10:24 am

Today hurts…

Today feels empty…

Today feels sad…

Today feels nauseating and never ending…

Today I feel my chest tightening and tears in the corners of my eyes at random times…

This month makes one year since we started inseminating.  September 14th was my first ever smiley and September 15th was our first at home insemination.

And here we are with nothing…

We went to the state fair this weekend.  It was definitely pregnant lady/infant weekend.  So many little ones running around with absolute awe in their faces.  They were all so adorable.

When I first started this blog I was so excited.  It seems as though each post was filled with optimism.  Lately I’ve been feeling nothing but sadness and each post is whiny and bitter.  I know that there are tons of others out there that are going through worse than me, but right now I’m being selfish and I don’t care.

Maybe the sun will come out tomorrow?


Protected: A kick in the stomach… August 8, 2011

Filed under: Hurt,Pain,TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 12:44 pm

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Stress May 16, 2011

Filed under: Family,Hurt,Pain — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 11:08 pm

I feel like I’m about to step off a cliff of anxiety and my whole little act is going to fall down around me.  I feel like if I make one wrong move that my little life here as I know it is going to end.  I feel like I’ve dug myself into a hole and I’m not sure how to get out of it.  Maybe I’ve just had too much on my plate lately and it’s finally about to all cave in…I’m not sure anymore.

  • Lori has been sick for quite some time.  Her Lupus has caused her to have to go on long term disability.  This means applying for disability through the state.  This means that our income is now at 1.5 instead of 2.  I’m always the one who worries about our finances and stresses.  There’s not really anything that I can do about it, but there it always sits at the back of my mind.
  •   I just went through and we owe $8500.00 in credit card debt.  How the hell did that happen? Better yet, how in the hell am I going to get that paid down/off?
  • My job has been really stressful lately.  I work in sales and there has been a lot of change in my territory lately and I”m extremely worried that I made the wrong decision and I”m going to end up getting fucked when this territory doesn’t do near as well as my old one does and therefore cuts my take home earnings.  Making our 1.5 income household only about a 1 income household.  And how am I going to pay down the $8500 in credit card debt if my income is drastically reduced.
  • We are not in a situation where if I lost my job we would be able to last very long.  That is terrifying to me.  What if something happened and I lost my job tomorrow?  We would be fucked financially and that really scares the shit out of me.
  • We’re planning a wedding to occur on August 27th.  There’s so much crap that has to be done before then – including getting a dress, making sure my mom and brother get their flights done, make sure the decorations are there, pay the rest of the fee for the wedding, send out invitations, etc.
  • Lori’s transition to Shayne is really hard for me to handle.  Yes, as her partner I’m putting on a strong face and being supportive but it’s very difficult for me to deal with.  I don’t know how to handle being with a man.  I’m a lesbian – always have been – and if I’m with Lori as Shayne what does that make me?  Mind you, this isn’t something that is going to break us up and we are absolutely going to make it through this….it’s just much harder than I thought it was going to be.  I’ve been telling her forever to do what she needs to do to make her happy.  I never thought that it would make me anxious.  I’m worried that she is going to start taking testosterone and become a different person…
  • On top of all of this, we are trying to have a baby.  How responsible is that?  How responsible is it to bring a baby into a situation that doesn’t seem very stable at the moment?  Should we be waiting until we get everything in order?  What if that takes a year and Lori is sicker and not able to handle a baby?  What if we do it now and my job starts getting worse and I hate it even more?  What if this job and all of this crap is keeping me from getting pregnant because of the stress and we are spending all this money on NOTHING?

I feel like my insides are shaking and I can’t get control of them.  I walk around in a daze because I don’t feel like I can keep anything together.  I’m finding it hard to focus on anything at all and I feel scatterbrained.  I just don’t know what to do….I don’t know how to fix everything and I feel like I have to.  I’m tired of feeling like I have to hold it all together….It’s just not fair…..why didn’t I get pregnant this time?  Why didn’t it work for me?  I want to be a part of the group of bloggers that are going through all of this together!

Sorry for all the drama, I just have a ton on my mind lately and nothing is making sense….


Protected: Three May 15, 2011

Filed under: 2WW,Hurt,Pain,TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 9:34 pm

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Protected: Yay for more waiting… February 22, 2011

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This is going to be a long post.. February 21, 2011

Filed under: Doctor,Hurt,TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 10:55 am

So I’ve eluded to Lori’s health issues a few times, but I’ve never really gone into detail about them.  Well, considering what I’m about to explain happened this weekend, this just may be the time to do that…

Lori has been diagnosed with Lupus and Sjogrens.  These diseases together cause chronic pain for her.  Every day she hurts – The Sjogrens is a connective tissue inflammation.  The medications they give you for these diseases (in my opinion) are worse than the actual diseases….

In April of last year, Lori had a massive issue with blood clots.  She was having some back/kidney pain and we ended up in the emergency room.  While she was there, she had a huge pain in her leg and it started turning purple.  They rushed her to ultrasound and found she had a complete blockage in her right leg so she was rushed to surgery.  Before surgery the doctor (Dr. Hammond – she is an angel by the way) looked me straight in the eyes and told me that she was going to do her best, but Lori could come out with no leg, no legs, or not come out at all.   It was an extremely scary situation.  One of my best friends came to the hospital with me and we waited for what seemed like forever before the doc came to talk to me.  She let me know that Lori had 3 clots in her right leg, 4 clots in her left, one in her kidney (that blew a hole in it), one in her lungs, and a huge one in her thoracic aorta.

For a week we were in ICU and she was on a ventilator.  I don’t think I’ve ever been so cared in all of my life.  They tried to wean her off hte ventilator 3 times, but wasn’t able to because her oxygen stats would drop.  Finally they were able to get her off of it and after almost 3 weeks in the hospital we were able to go home.  The follow up appointment showed a flap in her thoracic aorta that the blood had built up on.  It was thought that pieces of this clot had broken off and ended up all over her body and that’s what had caused this issue.

In June she had a major pain in her abdomen.  We were getting ready to go to the movies and she came downstairs doubled over in pain.  Once you’ve had blood clots you take every pain very seriously and we headed back to the ER.  The couldnt find what was causing the issue, so they admitted her and schedluled her for exploratory surgery.  The next day they went in and found a cyst on her ovary had burst.  Because she was on blood thinners to help with the clotting issue, the cyst had caused internal bleeding.  They closed it up and sent her to recover.  The next day she ended up back in surgery because she was still bleeding.  That was a week long hospital stay.

We’ve been in and out of the ER for other things – pain, dehydration, etc.  But 3 weeks ago she went back in and they found more blood clots.  I wrote about that here.

She’s been on short term disability from work since April of last year.  She went back to work for only about 2 months before this last issue.  Needless to say, our finances are starting to take a hit.  We need her to go back to work, or we need to make some major lifestyle changes.  Well, on Thursday of last week she did her follow-up with the vascular surgeon and he made a statement that it may be best if she just doesn’t go back to work and goes on disability.  This was the straw that broke the camel’s back for Lori and has sent us into thesituation we are now dealing with.

Lori is back in the hospital – this time in the behavior center (which is a nicer way of saying psych ward).  On Thursday,s he had a complete meltdown about our current situation (health issues, money scares, stress, anger, feelings of inadequacy) and we ended up back in the ER after she told me she was just going to kill herself because everyone would be better off if she wasn’t around, including me.  After 48 hours in the hospital on a psych hold, they have transferred her to an actual psych hospital where she will be for the next 3-7 days, at least.

I’m scared…I’m scared for her.  I’m scared for me.  I’m scared for the little life we have created.

I’m also scared for the possibility of having a child with her no longer being an option.  She says that she still wants to do it, but I’m scared that more stress in the situation is not a good idea.  I was supposed to be inseminated over the weekend, so this month is on hold, but what if it’s on hold forever?

I don’t know how I can keep handling these situations and not lose it myself.  I love her with all my heart and soul, but I don’t know how to live like this…

Thanks for listening…


The BEST Christmas Gift (Second only to a BFP)! December 17, 2010

Filed under: Family,Hurt,TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 11:25 am
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I got a call last night from my mom.  It was about 9 pm my time, which is REALLY late for her.  She told me that she had sent our Christmas gifts and got the confirmation that they were delivered and didn’t want it left outside.  I checked the front door and there was nothing there.  I went back inside and she said that they had left it in front of the garage.  I let her know that when I got home from work there was nothing there, so she told me they had JUST delivered it.

Now, it’s VERY strange for FedEx to leave anything in front of the garage and it’s EVEN STRANGER for them to do it at 9 pm….but OK.

I went out into the garage and opened the door…..there stands my mom with a huge red bow on top of her head!

I was JUST COMPLAINING that I missed my family and was really sad that I wasn’t going to be able to be with them for Christmas this year.  I have no idea how she kept something this big a secret, but she was able to get a plane ticket and have them shuttle her to my house without Lori or I having A SINGLE CLUE that she was coming.  She’s going to be here for a whole two weeks!  I’m so excited that it won’t just be Lori and I here on Christmas day!

I also found out some news that was not so fun – apparently my little cousin is pregnant – the one that ran off with the 56 year old drug dealer.  Apparently she’s pregnant by him now.  Yay for more family drama!    I find it quite upsetting that she, at 19, got pregnant by a man with 56 year old swimmers by accident when Lori and I have been trying with PERFECT timing and PERFECT swimmers for 4 months now and have NOTHING!!

Anyway, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO US and our fabulous Christmas Gift!


Fable of the porcupine December 8, 2010

Filed under: Hurt — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 3:30 pm
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It was the coldest winter ever – many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions, even though they gave off heat to each other. After awhile they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. This way they learned to live with the little wounds that were caused by the close relationship with their companion, but the most important part of it, was the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

Moral of the story:
The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but the best is when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person’s good qualities.


Apologies are in order December 7, 2010

Filed under: Hurt — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 8:45 pm
Tags: , ,

I have done something and hurt someone that I consider a dear friend.  A while back I wrote a blog entry about how I was feeling about a situation, and that person found my entry and is now considerably upset.  Honestly, at the time, I wasn’t thinking about how it would make her feel and have apologized for that.

I’m making the move over to WordPress.  There I will have the ability to vent and make entries private so that I can still have a place to vent about my feelings without hurting others.  That way portions of it can be  my online journal (and can be password protected or private) instead of a blog that has open access to any and everyone (something that I really never even thought about as well).  I never intended for this to get out to my real life friends, but really didn’t take any precautions to keep myself anonymous as well.

Here’s my new URL for the few of you who read this: CLICK HERE



Filed under: Hurt — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 8:17 pm

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