It’s been 9 months since I posted last. Interesting number, right?
I haven’t posted the exact amount of time it would take for me to have a baby.
For the record, I still don’t have one. I do, however, have some interesting information…but I’ll get to that.
The last 9 months in bullets –
- New Job – Well, really back to the old job. I worked with WealthEngine for about a year and this month moved back over to OTJ. I’ve been chatting with them off and on during my leave, and they met the criteria that I gave them for me to come back so I am. I really love it here. It’s a great company and I’m very relaxed and secure.
- Moved to Mississippi. Not quite sure why we chose MS now that we are actually here. We left one of the most liberal states in the country to come to literally the most conservative. I’d put money on MS being the last one to make any gay marriage issues even come up in an election. We wanted to be back closer to our family but still far enough away to not be right on top of them. Good thing is we are 7 miles from the beach and pay about 60% of what we were paying in rent, so there are definite perks. We’ll likely be back in Louisiana here in the near future. Being down south is also good for Shayne’s medical issues – she’s had much less pain here so that’s good.
- We started looking into fostering to adopt – it’s a bust – MS “doesn’t care if you are gay”, but you cannot have an “unrelated adult” living in the home. Since MS won’t let us get married, we can’t have foster children in our home or adopt through DHS – well, we can, but can’t live together during the process. Whatever
- My sister graduated college and actually got a job in her field of study – how do you like that!?! Call me one proud sister!
- My little brother and his fiance bought a little house. I love that they are doing so well.
- We traveled a bit – mostly road trips.
- My best friend that I have known for 12 years who had a miscarriage earlier is pregnant. Very Pregnant. My best friend that I met in Colorado is also pregnant.
As for me? Well, I still sometimes end up in the fetal position on the floor of my office on random days because the pain of it all is just too much to bear. I still find myself falling into tears when commercials come on TV or when all the cute little summer clothes in the Dollar General store are on sale. I still ache for a sweet small baby to be cuddled up against my chest and the smell of her hair as I rock her to sleep – but I no longer found myself able to see the light and find the ability to believe that it would ever happen for me. I tried – I tried so hard to walk away from it all. I tried to just accept the fact that it was not “meant to be”. I winced when people said that it would happen when the time was right because I felt like that meant I had done something to keep the time from being right for me. Something I did or didn’t do kept me from becoming pregnant, stopped the IVF coverage, broke my heart every time an adoption counselor basically told me that they were rejecting me.
But something happened – just yesterday – that gave me a tiny spark. A tiny spark that just might turn into hope coming back into the picture. I’m almost afraid to say it because I’ve had this spark before and had it stomped out before it ever grew into hope. I’ve had this spark before and had it stomped out AFTER it had become hope.
Right now it’s just a spark.
But a family member of mine told me yesterday that she has been thinking about us for a while and she wants to surrogate for us. I called a lawyer today and spoke with a few people and it seems as though it’s legally not going to be a huge deal since surrogacy is technically against public policy in LA (though not illegal) and therefore a surrogacy contract is really not required since they are unenforceable anyway. I can’t afford to do IVF, so it would be the family member’s eggs. Since she is a close family member, it would be an inter-familial adoption (which is easier through the court system).
So our next few weeks is going to be talking about a lot of things, figuring out living situations, and deciding exactly how to go through this process. Of course nothing is ever a for sure situation, but it feels much closer than it has been in a while.