Protected: Three May 15, 2011
I’m an absolute mess… May 5, 2011
I’m sitting here and I cannot get this 2ww out of my head. I’m swaying wildly between knowing that I am, to knowing that I’m not, to believing that if I say I don’t want it I will be, to believing if I say I don’t want it that somehow that will make my body will make it not happen. I find myself being angry, sad, tired, happy, annoyed, devastated.
What if I’m not?
What if I”m not pregnant and we’ve wasted more money when Lori is already not working any more?
What if I’m not pregnant and I have to pick myself up and go back to that doctor’s office to do it all over again?
What if I’m not pregnant and it’s because of something that I’ve done?
What if I’m not pregnant and I don’t ever get pregnant? What if I never experience it and we never are able to have the little family that I want so very badly?
We’re at WalMart a couple of nights ago and walking past the baby stuff – I burst into tears. Shayne is so excited for us to be and is completely convinced taht we are.
What if I’m not pregnant and I disappoint her?
Tarot Reading May 3, 2011
OK – so I pulled my tarot cards this morning and I have to share!! I’m marking in red the lines I like and adding in blue my interpretation!
Card 1 (Strength) : How you feel about yourself now »
You feel that despite the challenges you have been faced with in the past, present or future, you will find the strength and courage to succeed. (I hope this means that the challenges we are having with TTC will leave and we are successful this cycle!!) Whether you are recovering from ill health, a broken marriage or relationship, or challenges at work, you will find the will power to come out on top. If you are looking to give up any bad habits, such as smoking or drinking for example, this is a good time to do it.
Card 2 (The Sun) : What you most want at this moment »
The cards suggest that what you most want at this time is some joy and pleasure in your life, perhaps a long needed holiday in the sun to re-charge your batteries. You may have been through a period of challenges or a time of limbo and inactivity. The Sun heralds an ending to difficulties and a time to celebrate with friends and loved ones, a time of pleasure and good news around children or the conception or birth of a longed-for baby. (Does this need any explanation?!?!)
You are in fear of everything turning for the worse for you, perhaps you are experiencing a run of bad luck. You have to trust that most of what we fear never happens and as The Wheel of Fortune turns downwards against you, the wheel will naturally turn upwards again and bring good fortune to you too. This difficult phase will pass. (Again, difficulty TTC turning around!)
Card 4 (The Devil) : What is going for you »
There’s a possibility of permanence here. If you’re considering a commitment in a relationship or marriage this is a good sign. (Lori and I are planning our wedding!) However question your motives because here we have temptation and addiction, and a desire to be controlled or controlling. So use your intuition and if you recognise what you feel as sincere, great, if not you still have a chance to change direction. If considering giving up a bad habit, such as smoking or drinking for example, now is a good time to start. (I quit smoking again this month for our insemination)
You are at risk of doing something hasty out of impatience and rage. This is not a time for irrational and impulsive behaviour – don’t be cantankerous (if closer to old than young!) or arrogant and resentful (if closer to young than old!) Try and remain calm and let the rage go, take time to make a cool and collected decision. The Hermit signals a warning not to make hasty decisions. (I’m sure that this applies, somewhere)
Expect success and achievement of your goals, this is a time for fulfillment of your ambitions. (yay!! We’re getting pregnant!!!!) If you have placed your trust in your father, husband/partner or a man of significance in your life, they will come up trumps for you. If you have been the victim of ill-will don’t worry, you will win in the end.
Of course I have symptoms – even if they aren’t real I still have them.
- My lower abdomen is very tight – kind of crampy but not really
- I’m still feeling quite nauseous
- Last night was heartburn central (but that COULD have been from my overindulgence at my favorite restaurant (WAFFLE HOUSE)
So anyway, we are 7DPO and DYING to test!!
12 DPI… February 7, 2011
…and dying to test.
I REALLY want to wait until Wednesday at the earliest, but I don’t think I’m going to be able to. I found the below information about how accurate a HPT is based on the DPO.
HPT Accuracy Results Percentages: (Based on a 25mIU sensitive test)
10 dpo : 35%
11 dpo : 51%
12 dpo : 62%
13 dpo : 68%
14 dpo : 74%
15 dpo : 80%
16 dpo : 88%
17 dpo : 92%
I’m up to 62% accurate, but I’m so scared to get a BFN this time. I was so positive that I was pregnant up until yesterday morning. I woke up being absolutely sure that I was not pregnant. I’m not sure why other than my obsession about this whole baby making thing getting to me mentally. I’ve been having some feelings that could be pregnancy symptoms, but they could also be all in my head.
I just want a baby…and today for whatever reason I’m feeling very defeated in this process. So the question is, do I test and risk getting a false negative that will just devastate me more or do I not test and give it some more time so it is more accurate when I do test?
8 DPI… February 3, 2011
…and getting more anxious to test by the minute.
The plan is to wait until NEXT Friday to do the test (2-11-11), but I doubt that I’m going to make it that far. I should be able to test with an early HPT by even Tuesday, but of course I found this article online and now I don’t know if I WANT to test/know early! This excerpt is what worries me:
The down side is the expense of repetetive testing and the anxiety that it can cause. If you test for pregnancy before a missed period, you will pick up chemical pregnancies. This occurs when the sperm does meet the egg and pregnancy is established, but it is not a good pregnancy (most often a chromosomal problem in the embryo) and is lost very early on. Without early testing this cycle may be normal, slightly delayed, or heavier. Up to 50% of pregnancies diagnosed before the missed period end in miscarraige.
Now there is a side of me that is like, WTF!! Who wrote that? Where is the study that shows those numbers? Is that a doctor’s point of view? “Up to” 50%, does that mean 47% or 5%? This is from the internet, where anyone can write anything, but what if it’s true? I don’t want to detect a chemical pregnancy and be even more devastated, BLAH!
I’m keeping my head positive – PUPO I am – but the rational side of me keeps wavering back and forth wildly. One second I’m absolutely certain that I’m pregnant, and the next I’m absolutely certain that I am not. I can say that I do feel different this time than the last times at home, but this really could be simply because I know that it was DONE differently so I’m psyching myself out differently.
Being a psychology student is so difficult – you can recognize your irrational thoughts and understand they are irrational, but can’t stop them anyway!
So – I’ve changed my background on my work computer to be a slideshow of photos that I’ve found across the net of sleeping babes. When I do have this baby, he/she is going to have a MILLION PHOTOS taken of him/her – just like these!
14 DPO November 19, 2010
I’ve taken 3 EPT HPTs, all 3 BFN. At this moment I just want to crawl into my bed and cry. I know this isn’t rational – that it takes 3-6 months in good cases for it to work. I know this is technically only our 2nd try (one try was WAY off the mark), but that isn’t making today any easier.