It’s probably the holidays mixed in with all the Baby Drama going on in my life, but I’ve been feeling nostalgic lately. I went back through my old social media accounts (did you know MySpace still EXISTS?!) and found some old comments/photos.
It was supposed to make me remember all the great things that I’ve had the chance to do and all the people that I’ve done them with.
Instead, I found myself feeling left behind.
I noticed that many people that I went to school with have long “unfriended” me – Not those that I really considered friends, but those that were part of my group in high school. It’s strange because they have all stuck together. It was so silently that they removed me from their lives – I guess at some point you just become so far removed from someone that they replace you with more current things.
They’re all married to men with great jobs – every single one of them has had at least one child who is now taking their first day of preschool/kindergarten photos with huge bows in their hair. Some are even on number 2.
Here I am childless at almost 30 – They can’t even relate to me.
I grew up in Southern Louisiana. “Not married” and childless at 30 is a big deal.
Sometimes I wonder if I went down the wrong path. Maybe this is not where I belong at all. Maybe I’d be happier if I had followed the same path as everyone else. Found a nice man to settle down with, pretended that I was straight, had a baby. Maybe I could have played the stay at home, no career, submissive role and let someone just take care of me like the southern belles I see in their photos. These ladies who wear their sundresses and big bows and have gatherings where everyone is actually wearing real clothes and have perfect stainless kitchens with an island (not in their PJ’s with food in aluminum foil containers with not enough seating for everyone). Maybe if I weren’t so bullheaded and strong minded and stubborn. Maybe if I didn’t feel the need to portray myself as someone who has all her shit together. Maybe I wouldn’t be stressing over bills and sales and quotas and jobs and infertility if I had just done the typical thing.
I’m tired of being sad…
I feel like my life is stagnant. That I’m stalling out and I’ve missed the boat. I feel like I’ve been forgotten – lost – left. I feel completely insignificant in the world.
Simply Left Behind.