I’ve been gone for WAY too long. I guess I got in a funk where I felt like what was really the point in writing here if I had nothing TTC to write about. It’s been a rough couple of months for me in many ways. I’ve been thinking and rethinking my life and choices that I’ve made in it. I don’t feel like I’ve completely come to terms with everything that’s going on in my head, but I do feel like I have at least gotten to a point where I can sit down, write it out, and hopefully get somewhere better because of it. I’m also afraid that once I start, it just won’t ever end and will make no sense at all or that it will come across as selfish and whiny (neither of which I like being). Hopefully that won’t happen but if I start to ramble I apologize up front.
Things that have been on my mind lately:
- Lori’s health. I’m worried that I’m going to wake up one day and things are going to get so bad with her health that there’s nothing that can be done and she ends up having to have a full time nurse or something. I’m worried about what that would do to us – about what that would do to me. Mind you, there’s nothing going on right now that would point me in that direction, but for whatever reason lately that’s where my mind keeps going. When I go there it always terrifies me to think that if (when) we get pregnant, that could happen and then what? Then we’ve brought a baby into the world in a situation that is not ideal for anyone involved.
- Finances. I’m extremely worried about how much money we have coming in/going out and whether or not it’s enough money to be able to have a child and still live comfortably. Lori is now on full time disability (which is a significant cut in pay) and with me being in sales my job could really go at any moment (or at least how much I’m getting paid for my job).
- My job. My God I hate my job right now. It’s stressful and tiring and frustrating. It’s to the point where it’s keeping me up at night and getting here in the morning is enough to have me running to the bathroom feeling like I’m going to lose whatever food I have in my stomach. I shake all day long. I don’t eat half the time. My boss has made things miserable and impossible for me to succeed over all. I’m doing the best that I can do and I feel like that is not good enough and that my job is on the line all the time. So I’m looking at this and wondering how int he world I could possibly get pregnant with all of the stress associated with it.
Here’s the bottom line – I’m wondering if continuing TTC is even in the cards for us. I feel like maybe it’s just not the right choice for us at all. Lori’s health is not conducive to chasing around a kid. I kind of feel like when I chose to be with Lori, I really chose not to become a mother. I’m really not healthy enough to do this either – my weight and stress level is probably a huge barrier to becoming pregnant.
The problem is that this realization makes me extremely sad. I don’t want it to be the case that we just need to move on and be happy with our lives as they are, but I don’t feel like a baby would fit our lives at all. I’m scared that having a baby will be like everything else that I’ve done in my life. What if we have a baby and then I realize that it’s not really what I wanted? What if we have a baby and I end up regretting the decision to do so?
What if we don’t and I regret that decision…..