The road less traveled…

My partner and I were attempting to become pregnant. For many reasons – including my sanity – we have put that on the back burner for now and are just working on walking down the road less traveled. We've been through Katrina – moved to Colorado – and our next adventure is headed to California.

Haven’t written in a few days… June 11, 2011

Filed under: TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 8:24 pm

I guess I’m finding it hard to sit down and write in a blog that was supposed to be my joyous journey to becoming the mother I so desire to be when this has been nothing but joyous and is currently one of the saddest parts of my life.

BTW – AF officially arrived not long after my last post – I’m absolutely not pregnant. I’ve done quite a bit of crying about the situation because I know that we are going to take a break right now and I was so sure that if I ignored the situation and didn’t test early that it would happen. I just want to feel a baby in my tummy…I want to feel him moving around and kicking…I want Shayne to read him bedtime stories before he is born…I want to buy little baby things and decorate the nursery room…I want it so bad that it makes me short of breathe and my chest ache…I don’t understand why I’m not worthy…

I feel such an overwhelming sadness….at this point should I just stop?  Up to this point, I’ve spent about 4K on fertility treatments and sperm (and I don’t have money like that to throw around) and I don’t feel like I’m any closer now than I was last August…I can’t keep riding this roller coaster, yet I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life childless…

 

2 Responses to “Haven’t written in a few days…”

  1. prettyisa Says:

    I’m so sorry about AF. I know how you feel–like nothing you’re doing is helping so what’s the point? But I think that there are other good options out there for you, and that you will get a baby at the end of this. Maybe a break will help, though, so you can consider your options and enjoy the process of planning your wedding without worrying about TTC for a bit.

  2. Heidi Says:

    I had many failures before I was successful in conceiving. And the second time around I have had 5 BFNs so far and it is so discouraging! You will try again when you are ready. When the time is right, you will know which path is right for you. One way or another you will be a mom.


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