The road less traveled…

My partner and I were attempting to become pregnant. For many reasons – including my sanity – we have put that on the back burner for now and are just working on walking down the road less traveled. We've been through Katrina – moved to Colorado – and our next adventure is headed to California.

I’m an absolute mess… May 5, 2011

Filed under: 2WW,TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 3:55 pm

I’m sitting here and I cannot get this 2ww out of my head.  I’m swaying wildly between knowing that I am, to knowing that I’m not, to believing that if I say I don’t want it I will be, to believing if I say I don’t want it that somehow that will make my body will make it not happen.  I find myself being angry, sad, tired, happy, annoyed, devastated.

What if I’m not?

What if I”m not pregnant and we’ve wasted more money when Lori is already not working any more?

What if I’m not pregnant and I have to pick myself up and go back to that doctor’s office to do it all over again?

What if I’m not pregnant and it’s because of something that I’ve done?

What if I’m not pregnant and I don’t ever get pregnant?  What if I never experience it and we never are able to have the little family that I want so very badly?

We’re at WalMart a couple of nights ago and walking past the baby stuff – I burst into tears. Shayne is so excited for us to be and is completely convinced taht we are.

What if I’m not pregnant and I disappoint her?



4 Responses to “I’m an absolute mess…”

  1. Hope Says:

    First off, you switched between Shayne and Lori throughout the post and I LOVE it. I. want. the. story. woman!!!

    Secondly, I feel that way EVERY time…and it’s not even my body going through it. (is that a word?), You’ve GOT THIS! I say believe in it whole heartedly…at least then if this time doesn’t work you can’t say to yourself “It’s because I willed it not to be.” Yea, you might be setting yourself for more heartache, but probably not because even if you’re telling yourself you’re not, you’re still secretly screaming for it to be working. So, try to enjoy this changing time in your body. I know it’s hard…hell it’ll probably be a little hard when you find out you are pregnant because of how horrible Dr Google is for our psyches.

    xoxoxox TTC buddy!!

  2. isa Says:

    I’m sorry–you’re definitely in the hardest part of the wait. I hope that you get good news soon and can go back and buy any baby stuff that catches your eye!

  3. Liz Says:

    I am feeling the exact same way, so many ups and downs. I’m trying to stay on the up side though and just believe. And if we arn’t pregnant, I like to remind S that it is because that particular egg would have grown a real asshole of a kid.
    But we will get through this and have BFP at the end!

  4. Bobbie Says:

    The 2WW is the worst! I’m sending lots of positive vibes your way.

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