The road less traveled…

My partner and I were attempting to become pregnant. For many reasons – including my sanity – we have put that on the back burner for now and are just working on walking down the road less traveled. We've been through Katrina – moved to Colorado – and our next adventure is headed to California.

This is going to be a long post.. February 21, 2011

Filed under: Doctor,Hurt,TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 10:55 am

So I’ve eluded to Lori’s health issues a few times, but I’ve never really gone into detail about them.  Well, considering what I’m about to explain happened this weekend, this just may be the time to do that…

Lori has been diagnosed with Lupus and Sjogrens.  These diseases together cause chronic pain for her.  Every day she hurts – The Sjogrens is a connective tissue inflammation.  The medications they give you for these diseases (in my opinion) are worse than the actual diseases….

In April of last year, Lori had a massive issue with blood clots.  She was having some back/kidney pain and we ended up in the emergency room.  While she was there, she had a huge pain in her leg and it started turning purple.  They rushed her to ultrasound and found she had a complete blockage in her right leg so she was rushed to surgery.  Before surgery the doctor (Dr. Hammond – she is an angel by the way) looked me straight in the eyes and told me that she was going to do her best, but Lori could come out with no leg, no legs, or not come out at all.   It was an extremely scary situation.  One of my best friends came to the hospital with me and we waited for what seemed like forever before the doc came to talk to me.  She let me know that Lori had 3 clots in her right leg, 4 clots in her left, one in her kidney (that blew a hole in it), one in her lungs, and a huge one in her thoracic aorta.

For a week we were in ICU and she was on a ventilator.  I don’t think I’ve ever been so cared in all of my life.  They tried to wean her off hte ventilator 3 times, but wasn’t able to because her oxygen stats would drop.  Finally they were able to get her off of it and after almost 3 weeks in the hospital we were able to go home.  The follow up appointment showed a flap in her thoracic aorta that the blood had built up on.  It was thought that pieces of this clot had broken off and ended up all over her body and that’s what had caused this issue.

In June she had a major pain in her abdomen.  We were getting ready to go to the movies and she came downstairs doubled over in pain.  Once you’ve had blood clots you take every pain very seriously and we headed back to the ER.  The couldnt find what was causing the issue, so they admitted her and schedluled her for exploratory surgery.  The next day they went in and found a cyst on her ovary had burst.  Because she was on blood thinners to help with the clotting issue, the cyst had caused internal bleeding.  They closed it up and sent her to recover.  The next day she ended up back in surgery because she was still bleeding.  That was a week long hospital stay.

We’ve been in and out of the ER for other things – pain, dehydration, etc.  But 3 weeks ago she went back in and they found more blood clots.  I wrote about that here.

She’s been on short term disability from work since April of last year.  She went back to work for only about 2 months before this last issue.  Needless to say, our finances are starting to take a hit.  We need her to go back to work, or we need to make some major lifestyle changes.  Well, on Thursday of last week she did her follow-up with the vascular surgeon and he made a statement that it may be best if she just doesn’t go back to work and goes on disability.  This was the straw that broke the camel’s back for Lori and has sent us into thesituation we are now dealing with.

Lori is back in the hospital – this time in the behavior center (which is a nicer way of saying psych ward).  On Thursday,s he had a complete meltdown about our current situation (health issues, money scares, stress, anger, feelings of inadequacy) and we ended up back in the ER after she told me she was just going to kill herself because everyone would be better off if she wasn’t around, including me.  After 48 hours in the hospital on a psych hold, they have transferred her to an actual psych hospital where she will be for the next 3-7 days, at least.

I’m scared…I’m scared for her.  I’m scared for me.  I’m scared for the little life we have created.

I’m also scared for the possibility of having a child with her no longer being an option.  She says that she still wants to do it, but I’m scared that more stress in the situation is not a good idea.  I was supposed to be inseminated over the weekend, so this month is on hold, but what if it’s on hold forever?

I don’t know how I can keep handling these situations and not lose it myself.  I love her with all my heart and soul, but I don’t know how to live like this…

Thanks for listening…


6 Responses to “This is going to be a long post..”

  1. Kit Colorado Says:

    OH girl- I’m so sorry for the pain your family is in right now. I wish you light and love to mend your heart.

  2. Pomegranate Says:

    Oh, I’m so sorry.

    My partner struggles with mental health issues and I know many of the bloggers around do as well, but I can’t imagine having that compounded with a disabling physical illness.

    I’ll be thinking of you and Lori and praying for the best.

  3. Isa Says:

    I’m so sorry to hear that Lori isn’t well–it’s got to be a terrifying situation for you both. One of my friends has a very mild version of Sjogren’s, so I am always worrying that this will happen to her–it’s hard to never know what’s coming next, or what might set something off. I hope that the time in the hospital helps her come to grips with what she’s facing, and that the two of you can work out the best thing for your family. I’ll be thinking about you, and hoping for her safe return.

  4. slcurwin Says:

    That is so scary. I know how hard it is to have your partner in that mental/ emotional state and it’s terrifying. I really hope that she adjusts. That is such a big blow that you two have taken. I’m sorry you are having to go through it.

  5. I am so, so sorry to hear this. You will both be in my thoughts and heart. Much love xo

  6. […] March 2011:  The pain and stress of the last year and a half finally gets to her and we end up on an M-1 hold and suicide watch and spend a week in the psychiatric ward of the hospital. […]

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