The road less traveled…

My partner and I were attempting to become pregnant. For many reasons – including my sanity – we have put that on the back burner for now and are just working on walking down the road less traveled. We've been through Katrina – moved to Colorado – and our next adventure is headed to California.

It just keeps getting better… December 27, 2013

Filed under: TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 10:31 am

Today I found out the real reason why my cousin backed out of the surrogacy.

It’s because she’s pregnant by a man she just met less than 3 months ago – AFTER she offered to be my surrogate.

And I’m about 99% sure that she knew this before I purchased the specimen.

Yea – “family” fucking sucks

 

Left Behind December 2, 2013

Filed under: TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 9:57 am
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It’s probably the holidays mixed in with all the Baby Drama going on in my life, but I’ve been feeling nostalgic lately.  I went back through my old social media accounts (did you know MySpace still EXISTS?!) and found some old comments/photos. 

It was supposed to make me remember all the great things that I’ve had the chance to do and all the people that I’ve done them with. 

Instead, I found myself feeling left behind.

I noticed that many people that I went to school with have long “unfriended” me – Not those that I really considered friends, but those that were part of my group in high school.  It’s strange because they have all stuck together.  It was so silently that they removed me from their lives – I guess at some point you just become so far removed from someone that they replace you with more current things.

They’re all married to men with great jobs – every single one of them has had at least one child who is now taking their first day of preschool/kindergarten photos with huge bows in their hair.  Some are even on number 2.

Here I am childless at almost 30 – They can’t even relate to me.

I grew up in Southern Louisiana.  “Not married” and childless at 30 is a big deal.

Sometimes I wonder if I went down the wrong path.  Maybe this is not where I belong at all.  Maybe I’d be happier if I had followed the same path as everyone else.  Found a nice man to settle down with, pretended that I was straight, had a baby.  Maybe I could have played the stay at home, no career, submissive role and let someone just take care of me like the southern belles I see in their photos.  These ladies who wear their sundresses and big bows and have gatherings where everyone is actually wearing real clothes and have perfect stainless kitchens with an island (not in their PJ’s with food in aluminum foil containers with not enough seating for everyone).  Maybe if I weren’t so bullheaded and strong minded and stubborn.  Maybe if I didn’t feel the need to portray myself as someone who has all her shit together.  Maybe I wouldn’t be stressing over bills and sales and quotas and jobs and infertility if I had just done the typical thing.

I’m tired of being sad…

I feel like my life is stagnant. That I’m stalling out and I’ve missed the boat.  I feel like I’ve been forgotten – lost – left.  I feel completely insignificant in the world.

Simply Left Behind.

 

Thankful November 28, 2013

Filed under: TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 7:40 am
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I am thankful.

I know sometimes it doesn’t SEEM like it with all the negativity that has come across my keyboard – something that I never expected this little blog to become BTW.

I’m thankful for my wife and for the relationship that we have.  We’ve been through so much, she and I, and it’s a wonder that we’ve made it through.  From major medical scares to cross country  moves and infertility issues – they all seem to make us stronger.  I wish that sometimes our life was different and we didn’t have to deal with these trials, but if I have to go through them I’m so very thankful that she’s the one right next to me the entire way.  I’m not sure where I’d be without her.

I’m thankful for my family.  Even though we drive each other nuts and I don’t agree with everything they do, no matter what if I need them they are there for me.  I’ll always have a roof over my head and food to eat – even if I cannot provide that for myself.  I’m thankful for the way that they have opened up their homes, hearts, and minds to accept Shayne as just another member of the family.  And how they go out of their way to make sure she feels included and loved.

I’m thankful that I have a great job.  A job that allows me to not only make the money I need to pay our way, but a job that I truly love and allows me to work from home.

I’m thankful for my puppies – but mostly my Toby.  He’s so in tune with my feelings and knows just the right time to come have a cuddle day with me.    He’s the best hugger/kisser ever and has wiped my tears away more times than I can count in his little lifetime.

I’m thankful for this blog – and I’m thankful for the other blogs that I follow.  I’m thankful to know that there is such a huge support system out there in the virtual world for people who need to talk to someone who just understand – even if it’s not a complete dialog.  Knowing that I’m not alone (even when I feel alone) is a great thing.

I’m thankful that I have the opportunity and the ability to look at other avenues for children.  I know that miracles don’t happen for everyone, but I also know that it’s not the end of the journey.  It’s simply time to get on another mode of transportation.

I am thankful, truly.  And Highly Blessed

11-28

 

Breathing again – barely November 26, 2013

Filed under: TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 4:38 pm

The world didn’t end.  It kept on spinning.  My job still expects me to work, my wife still needs me to be sane, my family still loves me, my dogs still need to be fed.

But my heart still aches.

I’ve learned that forgiveness is difficult when you are drowning in pain.

I’ve learned that sharing what should be good news is not always the best idea because when it falls through you relive it 100X explaining it over and over.

I’ve learned that there comes a time when you really need to just accept your fate as what it is and stop trying to rage against it because really, you are the only one that is causing your pain.

I have to let go of the dream that’s in my heart.  I’m not suggesting that I’ll let go of all versions of that dream, but I have to let go of that specific one.  It’s simply not going to happen.

And as much as I know people want to help by telling me that it might just happen – that miracles happen all the time – things work out when they are supposed to – it’ll happen when the time is right – it doesn’t help.  It doesn’t make me feel better – actually it’s quite the opposite.  Especially when I see others in bad situations that end up with my perfectly bundled dream and are not at all ready/prepared for it.

Sometimes it just doesn’t happen.

Sometimes, some people, just don’t ever get what they think is the perfect little dream.  And I don’t think that it will work out some other way that I will feel will make up for the dream that I lost.  I don’t think that Something will come along that will make me feel like it’s what I was supposed to be moving towards all along.  I don’t believe that this is all happening for some cosmic reason that will be revealed to me at a later time.

It just sucks.

Period.

This is no longer magic and rainbows for me – no more superstition and juju.  I’ve removed the hope from my heart that I will at some point come home with a tiny little baby.  It hurts too bad to watch that hope diminish slowly over the years, so I’ve put it out completely.  I’ve seen it be magic for others – stars align and things fall right into place.  But that’s not going to happen for me.  I can’t keep grasping at that thread of light – it’s so dark here I can barely see it anyway.

I do know, however, that I will have children in my life (though not while living in Mississippi because I just recently found out that MS won’t authorize ANY adoption to us because Shayne is an “Unrelated adult” living in my home so we’d never pass a home study – even for a private adoption).  That means another move – probably back to Louisiana – where we can adopt through the state foster care system.

I’ll love an adopted child – I’ll love an older adopted child (which is typically what’s available through foster care).  I’m sure I will love this child just as much as I would one of my own, but it’s different.  It’s not the same as having the ability to watch a baby grow and thrive in your care.  I’ll miss first laughs, first walks, first words, first baths…and that’s something that I’m just going to have to deal with.

I feel absolutely horrible that it’s different for me – and I feel ashamed that I would rather have a baby of my own than to adopt.  It makes me feel like a terrible person because all children deserve someone to love them and a place they can call home.   I don’t want any adopted child to feel like they are second best because that is absolutely not the truth –

Sigh – I’m going to stop trying to explain that, because it just sounds more terrible the more I try to explain it away.

But for right now I have to mourn that loss and move on.

ab

 

I knew I was anxious for a reason… October 27, 2013

Filed under: TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 5:07 pm
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She backed out.

After I bought the sperm.

Now I’m out $500 and I think I’m completely broken – I thought that I was before, but I wasn’t.  Now that I know this feeling, I know what broken is.

The End…

 

Still Anxious… October 14, 2013

Filed under: TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 11:31 am
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Still can’t shake this feeling that this is not going to work – The truth is I don’t think I’ll shake it until it actually happens.  I’ve gotten my hopes up so many times and been crushed that I think I’m just still in disbelief that we may actually become parents.  I don’t think I’m going to believe it until there’s actually a baby in my arms.

*Sigh*

 

Anxiety! October 11, 2013

Filed under: TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 12:39 pm
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All of a sudden today I have a massive amount of anxiety that I can’t seem to get under control…I feel like this option is simply too easy and that something terrible is going to go wrong and derail the entire thing.

Ugh – wish I could shut my head up!

Our chart is not perfect for this month, but I’m hoping that everything goes well for next month and we are a one hit wonder for this pregnancy to happen.  But I can’t shake this feeling that the world is about to crash around me…

 

CD14 – Chart help! October 7, 2013

Filed under: TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 7:29 pm
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So – We’re on CD 14 and have this chart:

FF2The thing is, there WERE crosshairs on there today that showed ovulation on Friday – Then I messed with it and now they are gone.  That one dot up high was taken at a much later time than normal – so I had it marked discard.  When I got the crosshairs I un-discarded it and the crosshairs went away.  I re-discarded it and they are still gone.

The time she takes it is a bit inconsistent anyway – it gets taken between 7-9am every day, depending on when she has to work.  SOOOO – Do you think that time frame is making it off?  Would you go by the + OPK today or by the crosshairs that have come and now gone?

UGH!  This is so frustrating!  I really don’t want to wait another month and track it, but I also don’t want to waste $500+ and do it the wrong day.  What do you think is more likely an ovulation marker, BBT or the OPK?

My brain hurts…

 

CD7 September 30, 2013

Filed under: TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 10:14 am
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Though we will not be inseminating this month, we are tracking her period and today is CD 7.  So far a pretty little FF chart for me to follow so I can start my usual obsession.

FF

We had a sit down conversation with our family on Friday Afternoon and it went fairly well.  Most of the family showed up – which was awesome! It was really nice to have everyone in the same room for the first time in a while.  The only person who didn’t make it who was supposed to be there was J’s mom.  (J is the cousin that will be the surrogate for us).  J’s mom called about 6 pm to say she couldn’t make it because she had some medication she had to take at 8PM on the dot and it was just not something she was going to be able to do. I let her know it was up to her but it would probably be something she would want to attend.  We ended with me telling her we’d call her when we talked to the family.

Being honest, she’s the only person I’m worried about.   The first thing she did when we told everyone was bring up how hard it was going to be for J to be able to carry a child for 9 months and then “give it away”.  She definitely made it a bit about herself and said that she had thought about doing it for 2 years in the past for her sister but just couldn’t see herself giving the child up.  She then wanted to know if she was going to be grandma (or MiMi as her grandchildren call her).  We let her know that no, she would be Aunt B – and she then asked if she could be Aunt MiMi.  I think it’s going to take her some time to realize that she is not a grandmother to this child – this child is being created for and by Shayne and I, J is simply babysitting for a while (J’s words, BTW – just love it!).  I don’t want my mother’s moment as a Grandma (MawMaw as we call them down in the south) to be stepped on by J’s Mom.  The fastest way to get me to become a crazy person is to hurt my mom.  Of course it’s still really early in the process and It will all shake out as the months go by.  I’m certain at some point there will be a come to Jesus meeting again.

So anyway – the plan so far is to track this month and inseminate next – which would put the insemination happening around the 5th of November (and Shayne and I heading on a cruise on the 11th will help with me driving J crazy during the 2ww).

So – here’s to a crazy next 2 months and hopefully a 1 hit wonder pregnancy and perfect timing for a baby next August!

9-30-13

 

Lessons Learned September 16, 2013

Filed under: Family,Pain,TTC,Work - Non TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 11:27 pm
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It’s been 9 months since I posted last.  Interesting number, right?

I haven’t posted the exact amount of time it would take for me to have a baby.

For the record, I still don’t have one.  I do, however, have some interesting information…but I’ll get to that.

The last 9 months in bullets –

  • New Job – Well, really back to the old job.  I worked with WealthEngine for about a year and this month moved back over to OTJ.  I’ve been chatting with them off and on during my leave, and they met the criteria that I gave them for me to come back so I am.  I really love it here.  It’s a great company and I’m very relaxed and secure.
  • Moved to Mississippi.  Not quite sure why we chose MS now that we are actually here.  We left one of the most liberal states in the country to come to literally the most conservative.  I’d put money on MS being the last one to make any gay marriage issues even come up in an election.  We wanted to be back closer to our family but still far enough away to not be right on top of them.  Good thing is we are 7 miles from the beach and pay about 60% of what we were paying in rent, so there are definite perks.  We’ll likely be back in Louisiana here in the near future.  Being down south is also good for Shayne’s medical issues – she’s had much less pain here so that’s good.
  • We started looking into fostering to adopt – it’s a bust – MS “doesn’t care if you are gay”, but you cannot have an “unrelated adult” living in the home.  Since MS won’t let us get married, we can’t have foster children in our home or adopt through DHS – well, we can, but can’t live together during the process.  Whatever
  • My sister graduated college and actually got a job in her field of study – how do you like that!?!  Call me one proud sister!
  • My little brother and his fiance bought a little house.  I love that they are doing so well.
  • We traveled a bit – mostly road trips.
  • My best friend that I have known for 12 years who had a miscarriage earlier is pregnant.  Very Pregnant.  My best friend that I met in Colorado is also pregnant.

As for me?  Well, I still sometimes end up in the fetal position on the floor of my office on random days because the pain of it all is just too much to bear.  I still find myself falling into tears when commercials come on TV or when all the cute little summer clothes in the Dollar General store are on sale.  I still ache for a sweet small baby to be cuddled up against my chest and the smell of her hair as I rock her to sleep – but I no longer found myself able to see the light and find the ability to believe that it would ever happen for me.  I tried – I tried so hard to walk away from it all.  I tried to just accept the fact that it was not “meant to be”.  I winced when people said that it would happen when the time was right because I felt like that meant I had done something to keep the time from being right for me.  Something I did or didn’t do kept me from becoming pregnant, stopped the IVF coverage, broke my heart every time an adoption counselor basically told me that they were rejecting me.

But something happened – just yesterday – that gave me a tiny spark.  A tiny spark that just might turn into hope coming back into the picture.  I’m almost afraid to say it because I’ve had this spark before and had it stomped out before it ever grew into hope.  I’ve had this spark before and had it stomped out AFTER it had become hope.

Right now it’s just a spark.

But a family member of mine told me yesterday that she has been thinking about us for a while and she wants to surrogate for us.  I called a lawyer today and spoke with a few people and it seems as though it’s legally not going to be a huge deal since surrogacy is technically against public policy in LA (though not illegal) and therefore a surrogacy contract is really not required since they are unenforceable anyway.  I can’t afford to do IVF, so it would be the family member’s eggs.  Since she is a close family member, it would be an inter-familial  adoption (which is easier through the court system).

So our next few weeks is going to be talking about a lot of things, figuring out living situations, and deciding exactly how to go through this process.  Of course nothing is ever a for sure situation, but it feels much closer than it has been in a while.

 

 
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