The road less traveled…

My partner and I were attempting to become pregnant. For many reasons – including my sanity – we have put that on the back burner for now and are just working on walking down the road less traveled. We've been through Katrina – moved to Colorado – and our next adventure is headed to California.

It just keeps getting better… December 27, 2013

Filed under: TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 10:31 am

Today I found out the real reason why my cousin backed out of the surrogacy.

It’s because she’s pregnant by a man she just met less than 3 months ago – AFTER she offered to be my surrogate.

And I’m about 99% sure that she knew this before I purchased the specimen.

Yea – “family” fucking sucks

 

Left Behind December 2, 2013

Filed under: TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 9:57 am
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It’s probably the holidays mixed in with all the Baby Drama going on in my life, but I’ve been feeling nostalgic lately.  I went back through my old social media accounts (did you know MySpace still EXISTS?!) and found some old comments/photos. 

It was supposed to make me remember all the great things that I’ve had the chance to do and all the people that I’ve done them with. 

Instead, I found myself feeling left behind.

I noticed that many people that I went to school with have long “unfriended” me – Not those that I really considered friends, but those that were part of my group in high school.  It’s strange because they have all stuck together.  It was so silently that they removed me from their lives – I guess at some point you just become so far removed from someone that they replace you with more current things.

They’re all married to men with great jobs – every single one of them has had at least one child who is now taking their first day of preschool/kindergarten photos with huge bows in their hair.  Some are even on number 2.

Here I am childless at almost 30 – They can’t even relate to me.

I grew up in Southern Louisiana.  “Not married” and childless at 30 is a big deal.

Sometimes I wonder if I went down the wrong path.  Maybe this is not where I belong at all.  Maybe I’d be happier if I had followed the same path as everyone else.  Found a nice man to settle down with, pretended that I was straight, had a baby.  Maybe I could have played the stay at home, no career, submissive role and let someone just take care of me like the southern belles I see in their photos.  These ladies who wear their sundresses and big bows and have gatherings where everyone is actually wearing real clothes and have perfect stainless kitchens with an island (not in their PJ’s with food in aluminum foil containers with not enough seating for everyone).  Maybe if I weren’t so bullheaded and strong minded and stubborn.  Maybe if I didn’t feel the need to portray myself as someone who has all her shit together.  Maybe I wouldn’t be stressing over bills and sales and quotas and jobs and infertility if I had just done the typical thing.

I’m tired of being sad…

I feel like my life is stagnant. That I’m stalling out and I’ve missed the boat.  I feel like I’ve been forgotten – lost – left.  I feel completely insignificant in the world.

Simply Left Behind.

 

Thankful November 28, 2013

Filed under: TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 7:40 am
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I am thankful.

I know sometimes it doesn’t SEEM like it with all the negativity that has come across my keyboard – something that I never expected this little blog to become BTW.

I’m thankful for my wife and for the relationship that we have.  We’ve been through so much, she and I, and it’s a wonder that we’ve made it through.  From major medical scares to cross country  moves and infertility issues – they all seem to make us stronger.  I wish that sometimes our life was different and we didn’t have to deal with these trials, but if I have to go through them I’m so very thankful that she’s the one right next to me the entire way.  I’m not sure where I’d be without her.

I’m thankful for my family.  Even though we drive each other nuts and I don’t agree with everything they do, no matter what if I need them they are there for me.  I’ll always have a roof over my head and food to eat – even if I cannot provide that for myself.  I’m thankful for the way that they have opened up their homes, hearts, and minds to accept Shayne as just another member of the family.  And how they go out of their way to make sure she feels included and loved.

I’m thankful that I have a great job.  A job that allows me to not only make the money I need to pay our way, but a job that I truly love and allows me to work from home.

I’m thankful for my puppies – but mostly my Toby.  He’s so in tune with my feelings and knows just the right time to come have a cuddle day with me.    He’s the best hugger/kisser ever and has wiped my tears away more times than I can count in his little lifetime.

I’m thankful for this blog – and I’m thankful for the other blogs that I follow.  I’m thankful to know that there is such a huge support system out there in the virtual world for people who need to talk to someone who just understand – even if it’s not a complete dialog.  Knowing that I’m not alone (even when I feel alone) is a great thing.

I’m thankful that I have the opportunity and the ability to look at other avenues for children.  I know that miracles don’t happen for everyone, but I also know that it’s not the end of the journey.  It’s simply time to get on another mode of transportation.

I am thankful, truly.  And Highly Blessed

11-28

 

Breathing again – barely November 26, 2013

Filed under: TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 4:38 pm

The world didn’t end.  It kept on spinning.  My job still expects me to work, my wife still needs me to be sane, my family still loves me, my dogs still need to be fed.

But my heart still aches.

I’ve learned that forgiveness is difficult when you are drowning in pain.

I’ve learned that sharing what should be good news is not always the best idea because when it falls through you relive it 100X explaining it over and over.

I’ve learned that there comes a time when you really need to just accept your fate as what it is and stop trying to rage against it because really, you are the only one that is causing your pain.

I have to let go of the dream that’s in my heart.  I’m not suggesting that I’ll let go of all versions of that dream, but I have to let go of that specific one.  It’s simply not going to happen.

And as much as I know people want to help by telling me that it might just happen – that miracles happen all the time – things work out when they are supposed to – it’ll happen when the time is right – it doesn’t help.  It doesn’t make me feel better – actually it’s quite the opposite.  Especially when I see others in bad situations that end up with my perfectly bundled dream and are not at all ready/prepared for it.

Sometimes it just doesn’t happen.

Sometimes, some people, just don’t ever get what they think is the perfect little dream.  And I don’t think that it will work out some other way that I will feel will make up for the dream that I lost.  I don’t think that Something will come along that will make me feel like it’s what I was supposed to be moving towards all along.  I don’t believe that this is all happening for some cosmic reason that will be revealed to me at a later time.

It just sucks.

Period.

This is no longer magic and rainbows for me – no more superstition and juju.  I’ve removed the hope from my heart that I will at some point come home with a tiny little baby.  It hurts too bad to watch that hope diminish slowly over the years, so I’ve put it out completely.  I’ve seen it be magic for others – stars align and things fall right into place.  But that’s not going to happen for me.  I can’t keep grasping at that thread of light – it’s so dark here I can barely see it anyway.

I do know, however, that I will have children in my life (though not while living in Mississippi because I just recently found out that MS won’t authorize ANY adoption to us because Shayne is an “Unrelated adult” living in my home so we’d never pass a home study – even for a private adoption).  That means another move – probably back to Louisiana – where we can adopt through the state foster care system.

I’ll love an adopted child – I’ll love an older adopted child (which is typically what’s available through foster care).  I’m sure I will love this child just as much as I would one of my own, but it’s different.  It’s not the same as having the ability to watch a baby grow and thrive in your care.  I’ll miss first laughs, first walks, first words, first baths…and that’s something that I’m just going to have to deal with.

I feel absolutely horrible that it’s different for me – and I feel ashamed that I would rather have a baby of my own than to adopt.  It makes me feel like a terrible person because all children deserve someone to love them and a place they can call home.   I don’t want any adopted child to feel like they are second best because that is absolutely not the truth –

Sigh – I’m going to stop trying to explain that, because it just sounds more terrible the more I try to explain it away.

But for right now I have to mourn that loss and move on.

ab

 

I knew I was anxious for a reason… October 27, 2013

Filed under: TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 5:07 pm
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She backed out.

After I bought the sperm.

Now I’m out $500 and I think I’m completely broken – I thought that I was before, but I wasn’t.  Now that I know this feeling, I know what broken is.

The End…

 

Still Anxious… October 14, 2013

Filed under: TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 11:31 am
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Still can’t shake this feeling that this is not going to work – The truth is I don’t think I’ll shake it until it actually happens.  I’ve gotten my hopes up so many times and been crushed that I think I’m just still in disbelief that we may actually become parents.  I don’t think I’m going to believe it until there’s actually a baby in my arms.

*Sigh*

 

Anxiety! October 11, 2013

Filed under: TTC — 2Lesbians&Baby @ 12:39 pm
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All of a sudden today I have a massive amount of anxiety that I can’t seem to get under control…I feel like this option is simply too easy and that something terrible is going to go wrong and derail the entire thing.

Ugh – wish I could shut my head up!

Our chart is not perfect for this month, but I’m hoping that everything goes well for next month and we are a one hit wonder for this pregnancy to happen.  But I can’t shake this feeling that the world is about to crash around me…

 

 
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