The world didn’t end. It kept on spinning. My job still expects me to work, my wife still needs me to be sane, my family still loves me, my dogs still need to be fed.
But my heart still aches.
I’ve learned that forgiveness is difficult when you are drowning in pain.
I’ve learned that sharing what should be good news is not always the best idea because when it falls through you relive it 100X explaining it over and over.
I’ve learned that there comes a time when you really need to just accept your fate as what it is and stop trying to rage against it because really, you are the only one that is causing your pain.
I have to let go of the dream that’s in my heart. I’m not suggesting that I’ll let go of all versions of that dream, but I have to let go of that specific one. It’s simply not going to happen.
And as much as I know people want to help by telling me that it might just happen – that miracles happen all the time – things work out when they are supposed to – it’ll happen when the time is right – it doesn’t help. It doesn’t make me feel better – actually it’s quite the opposite. Especially when I see others in bad situations that end up with my perfectly bundled dream and are not at all ready/prepared for it.
Sometimes it just doesn’t happen.
Sometimes, some people, just don’t ever get what they think is the perfect little dream. And I don’t think that it will work out some other way that I will feel will make up for the dream that I lost. I don’t think that Something will come along that will make me feel like it’s what I was supposed to be moving towards all along. I don’t believe that this is all happening for some cosmic reason that will be revealed to me at a later time.
It just sucks.
This is no longer magic and rainbows for me – no more superstition and juju. I’ve removed the hope from my heart that I will at some point come home with a tiny little baby. It hurts too bad to watch that hope diminish slowly over the years, so I’ve put it out completely. I’ve seen it be magic for others – stars align and things fall right into place. But that’s not going to happen for me. I can’t keep grasping at that thread of light – it’s so dark here I can barely see it anyway.
I do know, however, that I will have children in my life (though not while living in Mississippi because I just recently found out that MS won’t authorize ANY adoption to us because Shayne is an “Unrelated adult” living in my home so we’d never pass a home study – even for a private adoption). That means another move – probably back to Louisiana – where we can adopt through the state foster care system.
I’ll love an adopted child – I’ll love an older adopted child (which is typically what’s available through foster care). I’m sure I will love this child just as much as I would one of my own, but it’s different. It’s not the same as having the ability to watch a baby grow and thrive in your care. I’ll miss first laughs, first walks, first words, first baths…and that’s something that I’m just going to have to deal with.
I feel absolutely horrible that it’s different for me – and I feel ashamed that I would rather have a baby of my own than to adopt. It makes me feel like a terrible person because all children deserve someone to love them and a place they can call home. I don’t want any adopted child to feel like they are second best because that is absolutely not the truth –
Sigh – I’m going to stop trying to explain that, because it just sounds more terrible the more I try to explain it away.
But for right now I have to mourn that loss and move on.